I Don’t Want to Talk About It

My sister and I were supposed to run a 50K in West Virginia yesterday. It was going to be state number 7 on our way to running a marathon or more in all 50 states.

Rondi and I at the finish line of our Indiana marathon in November, 2016. State #5.

But, that didn’t happen.

Why it didn’t happen is something that I really haven’t wanted to talk about. And, honestly, I still don’t want to talk about it. But, I’ve decided that it’s something worth sharing, so here goes.

On Wednesday, June 28 I woke up with a REALLY bad headache. And every day after that for about 2.5 weeks I woke up with the same, miserable headache. Beginning on July 5, that morning headache was accompanied with body aches that started every evening around dinner time, and night sweats in the middle of the night. And to top this all off, every run I went on felt like I was going to die. No matter how slow I ran, I couldn’t catch my breathe, and my muscles hurt all day, as if I had never run in my entire life. I finally went to the doctor and was diagnosed with strep throat…. Odd.

The antibiotics began to work on day 5 (the last day of the prescription). But, just 3 days later, my symptoms came back. Plus some other weird symptoms. So, I returned to the doctor. He decided to order some blood work, which came back showing elevated inflammation, anemia, and hyperthyroidism.

Back to the doctor I went. He discussed my results with me, referred me to an endocrinologist, and wrote me a script for a thyroid ultrasound and an EGD (scope of my throat, esophagus, and upper digestive tract).  I went in for my thyroid ultrasound a couple days later and was notified that they found a 2.7 cm (just over 1 in) nodule on my thyroid.

I called the endocrinologist and was able to fast track my appointment with her, which was originally scheduled for August 29th, to August 2nd. At that appointment I was told that my body “is producing waaayyyy too much thyroid hormone” and that I have a “rather large nodule”, and the only way to diagnosis what is causing this is to have a test called a 24 hour thyroid uptake scan. That’s happening August 9th and 10th. Then, I will go back to the endocrinologist on August 14th to find out if I have an autoimmune disease, just an out of whack thyroid, or a cancerous nodule causing me grief. My scope to try and figure out why I’m so anemic is happening August 8th.

In the meantime, I’m left with a hyperactive thyroid that is leaving me a hot mess. My symptoms began with headaches and body aches that were pretty rough. Then came the exhaustion. I was sleeping nearly 9 hours a night and still needing to lay down and close my eyes for a bit each afternoon. Next was the muscle weakness (and dropping things…). Thrown in that mix was a frequent racing heartbeat. And finally, full blown anxiety. Some days I only have one or two of those symptoms, and others, I have them all.

I always thought that body aches and pain were worse than high anxiety, but now that I have been living with both of those things, I can say without a doubt that I would take body aches over anxiety every day of the week. I’ve had a few days of the kind of anxiety that almost leave you debilitated. Where you feel nauseous for no reason other than the fact that you’re on edge. And you really don’t want to see anyone. And you definitely don’t want to talk to anyone about what you’re going through. And when you do decide to speak briefly with someone about it, you’re left a sobbing mess. And even though you know you’re having anxiety because your body is messed up and your hormones are off, that information is useless in controlling your racing heart and crazy emotions.

And that is what I don’t want to talk about. I don’t want people to know I’m having a hard time. But, can I tell you how exhausting it is to constantly be feeling this way and always be pretending that I’m just fine?! That everything is just great! It’s exhausting. And I’m over it. (At least for a minute while I spill my guts via this blog…)

I feel like there have to be more people out there going through this, or something like it, that also don’t want to talk about it. And that’s why I decided to talk about it for a minute. Because it sucks to feel like you’re alone and you’re the only one having a hard time. So I just wanted to let you know that I’m right there with you. And…this too shall pass.

Right? Right.

-Kendra

10 thoughts on “I Don’t Want to Talk About It”

  1. Love you so much. So very sorry you are going through this. Hang in there. I’m praying for you, even more than usual. God is Good! All the time!! Hang onto that. He will see you through.

  2. I hope you get answers and reassurance about your predicament. Your post brought back lots of memories of when Gary was diagnosed with nearly the exact same thing, after experiencing the same symptoms, including the anxiety. Not fun, but better now. You’re a fighter, but it sucks to feel that one has been betrayed by one’s body! I hope you get great care and treatment. Please keep us posted.

    1. Thank you! I appreciate your kind words, and it’s so comforting to know that many people have gone through this and come out the other side living without the symptoms that I’m going through now!

  3. Kendra –
    Much love and prayers heading your way for healing and peace. 🙏🏼 I, too, suffer from (at times) debilitating anxiety for reasons, well – I don’t want to talk about. 😉 Kudos to you for speaking out and sharing your truth. You are definitely not alone. Hoping for the best possible outcome for you. And sending lots of love. 💜

    1. Thanks so much, Carlenda! I hope that your anxiety eventually goes away for good and that you’re not going through it alone. It is definitely a lonely feeling. Lots of love back at you!

  4. Kendra first off I want to say the even though we dont see you often we love you and care about you and are praying for you with full faith that God is all powerful and that He loves and cares for you more than you can even comprehend. Then I want to say that I certainly don’t know how you feel but I do remember years ago (when you and my girls were students at St Peter – a pretty long time ago) when I was so sick and tired etc. When I’d go to the Dr. they said I was working to hard, that I was to stressed, that I needed to relax, that I needed to exercise more, that I needed to take it easy, that I needed to ……….it went in for months until I couldnt walk to my desk in the office without having to sit and take a break. The diagnosis doesn’t make any difference here…the point is that when we got an actual diagnosis that some people thought was awful news I was just so happy to know what is was and then have a real plan if medical action. That was a long time ago, Stephanie was four, but reading your blog I remembered the feelings and the wanting to say I’m not making this up..something is wrong. The real point if my note is that to say God was there for me and I know He is for you. I’m praying that the Dr will look at all your tests, find the issue and develop a medical plan for you. And I pray that 20-30 years from now this will just be a distant memory. One that let’s you look back and say God is good.

  5. Nate and I are praying for you, Kendra. We love all of you, not just the brave super hero. I remember what you told me at my bridal shower 16 years ago: “Look up.” That was the best advice ever, and we continue to look up. We pray the doctors find the best solutions for your optipum health. We pray for strength and healing. We pray for hope and possibilities.
    💙💜💚💛❤️

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