I’m Just Not Ready

Today, my inner dialogue is battling between two voices. As usual, one of them is focusing on the positive, and the other…well, it’s pretty whiny and annoying. Here’s a peak into what that sounds like:

Unconscious, habitual thoughts:

I do not want to go back to work tomorrow. It’s not fair. School doesn’t even start for two weeks, why do I have to go back tomorrow?! This sucks. I’m not ready. How am I going to juggle work, prepping healthy food, my training schedule, hanging with the family, getting enough sleep, and maintaining sanity?! I am not ready for this…again. I wish I could work from home. Is there a job I can do and work from home? And, speaking of home, I really miss my house. Seriously! I want to live in my own house. Sighhhhhh….

Counter thoughts that I must FORCE into my head:

I am so lucky to have a job which allows me to have summers off. Not many people get that time at home with their kids. And I’m blessed to have a job where I get to have such a positive impact on the lives of children. They need me! And I work with some amazing people that I am looking forward to seeing. And even though I have been unable to live in my house for over 6 months, I still have a place to live, on my property. And that’s pretty great. And I’m strong and healthy, and even though this all seems really overwhelming, it’s the 14th year that I’ve gone through these same feelings at the end of the summer. I CAN do this. Again.

Please tell me that EVERYONE goes through this. That I am not a negative person, but rather, human. Are there people out there that don’t have thoughts similar to this? I want to believe that this is a struggle we ALL have in common. What separates us is our response to these thoughts. For me, I am able to fight them off, for the most part. And I have great friends that I can share them with, who will respond with a mix of “you can do it” and ” I know. Let’s drink wine…” and that is exactly what I need. I need to be lifted up, and I need my feelings to be warranted and to know that I’m not alone. 

Today, I’m feeling all the feels. Reminiscing about a wonderful summer that is coming to an end, and trying really hard to be thankful for this change in seasons. For without change, it is impossible to grow.

 


Sparkle.Pounce.Let Life Live Through You.

-Kendra

Things Aren’t Always What They Seem…

I just got back from a fantastic family vacation to Alaska. It was pretty amazing. The majority of our trip was spent fishing for big, ugly beautiful fish. 

My son, Liam, landing a ….. salmon of some type! (In the rain…)


And when we were done fishing for the day, we would pack up the RV and drive to a new campground that had a new river to fish the next day. 

Because of our packed days, and the fact that we were in very remote areas with lots of bear warning signs, and very little shoulder on the roads, my marathon training took a hard hit. But, one day, I did manage to get in a run. I was SO excited for this run. I had done a little research and found that there was a 4 mile paved bike path down the Homer Spit. This sounded like the perfect place to do my speed work in a safe, amazingly beautiful location.
 
However, as we drove into Homer, a heavy fog came in, and by the time my husband dropped me off at the bike path, I could not see more than 30 feet in any direction. So much for my amazing view! I was so incredibly disappointed. Homer is one of the most breathtaking places in Alaska, and I was running down the entire Spit, and couldn’t see ANYTHING! 
 
Then, as I neared the end, the fog began to lift, and this is what I saw.
 
 

It was so foggy at first that I couldn’t really make out if it was actually a rainbow or not. But indeed, it was! I quickly thought that God was giving me a little sign to let me know He wasn’t letting me down. And then, the fog lifted!

 
And I was able to get a quick post-run picture at the end of the road. It was beautiful…for about 10 minutes.  And then…this…

 

Yup, there’s a whole beautiful blue ocean and snow capped mountains just on the other side of that water. But we only got to look at it for a few minutes. And because we didn’t travel to Alaska to fish in the ocean (or go sight seeing), it was time to move on to our next fishing destination.  

When I posted that running pic on Instagram, I didn’t dwell on how disappointed I was about the fog, or the fact that I would have liked to spend more time in Homer, because not many people want to hear me whine. And honestly, sometimes it’s easier to just pretend like everything is perfect. 

But, sometimes it’s important to let people know that life is hard, and things aren’t always what they seem.
 
Was Alaska awesome? You better believe it! 
 
But…it was expensive and left us feeling broke. An RV with your family of 4 for 8 days can leave you feeling like you’re going to lose your mind. It rained for 3 days straight. Two fishing rods and one net were broke in the catching of all the fish with the big teeth. Did I mention kids in an RV can be annoying? We were RV newbies, and weren’t sure about how much water we had…so I am the only one who showered for the entire 8 days…and I only showered once. And, I’m the only one who EVER changed my clothes. Yup.
 
And…when we arrived home, with hopes of finding a house renovation nearly complete, that’s not what we found at all. So, we are going to have to put our patient pants back on for a couple more months of loft apartment living. 
 
So, as you look through my Facebook and Instagram posts, and those of others, always remember that it’s easy to share the good stuff. It doesn’t leave me feeling vulnerable or weak. But believe me, that’s just a tiny percent of my life (and everyone else’s). What I share is the highlight reel. 
 
Here’s to a lifetime of highlights! 
 
Sparkle.Pounce.Cherish the good stuff.
 
-Kendra